i posted ’bout my coming out here months ago, but never did with what happened afterwards.
hindi ko kasi alam kung paano ieexplain, o paano sasabihin ng magandang paraan, baka kasi yung mga makakabasa na balak magsabi ng kanilang totoong pagkatao ay mapaatras.
pero hindi ko na kaya. wala na akong masabihan. sinusulat ko ito dahil kaunti nalang, may nuclear bomb na sasabog sa aking pagkatao.
“ano nalang sasabihin ng iba sayo? ang tali-talino mo, tapos ganyan ka. naiisip mo ba ang sasabihin ng tita mo kapag nalaman nila? kilala mo naman ang mga yun. ikakahiya ka ng mga kapamilya mo. pag-uusapan ka nila.”
“hindi kita matatanggap. magagawa mo lang ang gusto mong gawin kapag namatay na ako.”
“kapag may nangyari sa nanay mo, ikaw ang may kasalanan. tandaan mo yan.”
“ikaw ang nagbigay ng pinaksakit sa ulo sa inyong magkakapatid. buti pa yung kapatid mo, nabuntis lang. sana nabuntis ka nalang.”
guess from whom these words are.
the conversations about my sexuality ended right there and then on day one.
kasi sa day two, nagkunwari na akong okay ako. dahil nung day two, inassume ko din na okay na sakanila.
hindi pala.
kaya nung day three, inulit nila ang mga salitang iyan. mas masasakit na salitang hindi na magawang maisulat dahil, salamat sa Diyos, biniyayaan ako ng selective amnesia.
i was forced to resigned at my previous job, kasi dun ko nakikita ang partner.
i had to erased the numbers on my phone, kasi paranoid silang baka itext ko siya ulit. hindi nila alam kabisado ko ang number.
but then, sa bawat tipak ko ng cellphone, ramdam ko ang mga mapanghusgang matang nakamasid.
sa bawat kausap sa telepono, may taong nakatabi at nakadikit.
i can’t close my door, or someone will knock every five minutes.
and talking to the phone late at night will result to my mom, overstaying in my room, pretending to fix my cabinet.
o kaya maririnig mong may pumupunta sa kabilang kwarto, kunwari may ginagawa dun, pero ang totoo, nakikinig kung sino aking kausap.
how would i know? eh bodega katabi ko.
sa tanda kong ito, hindi na ako pwedeng makisleep over.
sa tanda kong ito, hindi na pwedeng magroad trip kahit bestfriends kasama.
sa tanda kong ito, every five minutes itetext at tatawagan ng magulang sa bawat night out o dinner na paalam.
at sa tanda kong ito, ang pakikipagkita sa mga kaibigan ay mas madalang pa sa blue moon.
kahit na mga bestfriends kong kilala na nila pati magulang, hindi nila pinagkakatiwalaan.
my mom started to open my facebook once in a while. then she added my friends, one by one.
pati bago kong officemates, gusto niya iadd.
then my whole clan knew my password.
kasi daw lalaruin nila ang mga games ko, sabi ni mama.
sa umpisa, okay pa.
kasi kaya pang itago na patuloy pa din kaming nag-uusap ni partner, yun nga lang, hindi na nagkikita.
hanggang sa, nahirapan na ako sa pagkawala ng freedom at privacy, at sa naramdaman ko na ding hindi na siya masaya.
we ended the 7 year relationship 2 months ago.
this time, for real. hindi na lang kami nagpapanggap sa magulang.
pero kahit wala na, wala pa ding nagbago. ganun pa din tingin ng magulang, at walang-wala na ang tiwala nila sa akin.
“lalabas lang ako ma, wala ka bang tiwala sa akin?”
“Ewan ko na. matigas talaga ulo mo.”
funny how they we’re able to remind me of what others will say, but never did they asked if i was happy since day one.
i may laugh and smile, but my heart’s bleeding, and starting to die.
“kapag may nangyari sa nanay mo, ikaw ang may kasalanan. tandaan mo yan.”
totoo ngang for others to be happy, sacrifices must be made.
*i know you’ll be able to read this. someday, we’ll meet again. tears may fall now but time will come we can look back with a smile, thanking for the awesome moments we’ve been blessed to share. o siya tama na, ‘di ko naman ginawa itong post para magpaalam sayo, tsaka baka sabihin nung mga makakabasa ang landi ko nagpapalam na nga. emo na nga yung post, malandi pa! ano ba yun! haha. o ano, niaantay mong sabihin kong mamimiss kita ano? hindi no, ewww! haha.
– sorry, ang emo ng post. and yes, this will be the last. i enjoyed every bit with this blog. the bloggers i was able to read, and share things with. at kahit pa dun sa mga taong nililigaw ni google dito, it was fun seeing the blog stats going up kahit wala naman matinong post. haha! ’till the very end, this became my outlet, the very first of my hundred blogs na nagpakatotoo ako nang nakapublic ang posts!
walang tintang naubos, o salitang naupos. may mga bagay lang na sadyang hindi mo maiintindihan, sadyang hindi kayang tanggapin ng puso at isipan, ngunit pipilitin mong tanggapin bilang ika’y isang nilalang.
Naalala ko yung time na you posted a comment on my blog saying that you are gay. To be honest I was surprised when I read that. And at the same time, natuwa ako na you were one of the few people who really got what Iwas trying to say. Somehow it assured me that I was successful in getting my point across my readers.
I never came out to my family. Pero siguro, if I was closer to them than how we were like when I was living with them, I guess I could have. Pero with the kind of relationship I had with my family, never nag cross sa isip kong mag come out. I don’t share anything to them. Yun pa kayang as personal and as defining as that.
I admire your courage. I know a lot of people who are still in the closet. I know it takes time. Pero I admire gay men and women who are out. It’s important na the people you love know who you really are.
Nakakalungkot na the education, no offense meant, older people got might have something to do with how stiff they are. Nakakainis. Masyadong rigid. Lalo na pag matanda na. And it ultimately affects the lives of people who are not regarded as ‘normal’. It is pissing me to the core.
I wish you well, Mopis.
pinagdaanan ko yan at patuloy kong pinagdadaan. Sana maglagpasan mo din yan…
wish you well modernong lapis